1 Comment

  1. Leslie
    March 14, 2020 @ 5:02 am

    Amen. This is an amazing article. Thank you so very much for writing it & sharing it. I no longer have a sponsor because I’ve decided after my 8th or 9th time working the steps and spiraling & spinning around in my head that I need a different approach. Or outside help. And in treatment, at Origins in Texas, I felt just as misunderstood when they continually told me I was spoiled & entitled without knowing me for long enough to make such a judgment about me. I know my case is complex & I’ve been to psychotherapists & counselors & have had every medication under the sun & none of it helped. Certainly berating me & sending me a message that “you’re doing it wrong” DOESN’T HELP ME. So you have no idea how much this hit home. I am willing, I want to be sober & I’m finding my way with the few people in the rooms who are similar to me = supportive. But not everyone has the capacity or confidence to do that, so many relapse & or die= sad. I feel lucky I’ve turned my back on all the judgment & am working through the shame as we speak. I was sober 5 years from 2004-2009 but never felt good or was able to find a way through the anxiety, depression, intense shame & loss. I struggle with childish views (or so I’m told) about my childhood & family which when I try to share about in meetings I see people shift in their chairs & purse their lips in disgust & judgment. And then I regret ever sharing at all. This still happens & I usually try to share with the one close friend I’ve found who doesn’t judge me for holding off on sponsorship & steps because she gets it. Sadly I’ve not found a counselor or psychotherapist who has helped, understood or when I tell them how allergic I am, to basically all medications- still try to push them on me. I’m very frustrated and have no plans after 25+ years of going to shrinks & counselors and “having an open mind about it” of going anymore, although EMDR helped slightly so maybe. I also tried medical marajuana but it made me nervous, paranoid & way more full of shame, so I quit that too. I know what the cause of my personality defects or issues are after doing my own research & am working on building myself & my confidence up. From 2009 to May of 2019 I relapsed over & over & over. I am lucky to be alive. I’ve seen people shunned to the point of relapse & death in one form or another and have had one friend commit suicide sober. It is sad and disturbing how people who have ABSOLUTELY NO ROOM TO JUDGE, or are not educated enough to take that stance or have that opinion, use the power of AA and THEIR experience to assume they know best. which really has more to do with them and not the other person. Some are sicker than others for sure. This was super validating and built my confidence that I’m on the right track. Im not giving up on me, ever & those who judge me or make those assumptions about me are not safe people for me to be around. I can’t avoid them & I love AA but I don’t have to give them ANY power over me anymore. And I don’t, I actually feel sorry for them & pray they get the help & experience they need to see more clearly. Thanks again!

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